50 Shades of Zombie
by ShegoRulz
Summary: Just WHAT has Thrasher caught Clarabelle reading? Thrashgrace. Rated T. My first Skulduggery fanfic :)


**50 SHADES OF ZOMBIE**

**I got this random little idea when I was on holiday and by the pool, where you literally couldn't MOVE from women reading 50 Shades of Grey. Just a heads up – I've never read those books before, I just know that they're 'sexy' xD You have been warned.**

**Oh, and also, you'll have to pretend that what happened to Scapegrace at the end of Death bringer didn't happen. He still has his body in this I haven't got Kingdom of the Wicked, because I live in England, so I really hope that he DOES return to a human. If anyone's read it, can you tell me if Scapegrace and Thrasher are in it a lot? *hopeful eyes***

**Disclaimer: I don't own these wonderful characters, the 50 Shades Trilogy or anything else odd that Clarabelle mentions. **

**Alright! On with the story! **

Thrasher was talking a walk down the streets of Roarhaven, humming to himself with his hands in his pockets. Not even the fact that he had to stay out of the sun was bothering him. Life was _good _right now, living here. When they'd first arrived, he'd hated this depressing town, but it had surprisingly grown on him. It was safe from outsiders. People were used to strange things (such as zombies). And it was also where his new bestie Clarabelle lived.

He approached the said woman's house, which was decorated festively with little lit-up lamps, despite it being the middle of the afternoon. She was reclining on her deckchair in the front garden, most of her face hidden by an enormous flowery sunhat, with her nose stuck in a book.

"Hi, Clarabelle!" He beamed as he walked up to her, "What's that you're reading?"

Clarabelle looked up in surprise, "Thrasher! Where's Scapegrace?"

"At home, doing what he normally does. Trying to find ways to stop decomposition." Thrasher scratched the back of his head uncomfortably, "I think we're fighting a losing battle, not that I'd tell him that..."

The blue haired woman frowned, "Does that make you sad?"

"Kinda. I like walking around. Even though my foot fell off the other day."

"Did you have a funeral for it?" She asked solemnly and he had to shake his head.

"No, I just stuck it back on with duct tape. See?"

"Oh. That's a shame. No one ever gives their body parts a decent send-off anymore." She sighed deeply, "So, what brings you here?"

"I'm bored. What're you reading?" He repeated interestedly, trying to take a look over her shoulder.

She giggled in a very un-Clarabelle way and quickly showed him the front cover, where he read _"50 Shades of Grey." _

"_Clarabelle!" _He said in complete amazement. He knew what it was, obviously; those books had even taken the majority of women in the magical community by storm. He just hadn't expected someone as innocent as _Clarabelle_ to be reading them. "Dear God, why?"

Clarabelle grinned up at him, "I have no idea."

"Well..." Thrasher couldn't help but ask, "What's your opinion so far?"

"Honestly?" She replied seriously, "I think I need a cold shower."

He laughed, but it quickly faded when she thrust the book at him with a: "Read that page. Go on, read it."

"But...these are for women, Clarabelle." He began, somewhat uneasily.

She tilted her head with a shrug, "I know. But they'll work on gay zombies too."

Thrasher rolled his eyes, but obediently scanned the page, before glancing back at her with fascination. He was _inspired. _He felt like a whole new person! A _confident _person!

"Ok. I think I see what you mean."

She nodded in satisfaction and they read a couple more pages together. "Do you reckon..." He hesitated, then decided to just say what he was thinking, "That if I flirted like this person here, Vaurien would like me?"

Clarabelle gazed at him thoughtfully. It was no secret that he'd loved Scapegrace since beyond forever. "Hmm. That's a very good question."

"Really? So what's your answer?"

"I don't know. Are you _sure_ he doesn't like you?"

"Oh, come on, he hates me. He calls me an idiot all the time. And hits me."

Clarabelle's eyes widened and she put the book down. "Thrasher! That makes s_ense!" _

"What? What does?"

"Maybe he does that because he likes you too. Maybe he's trying to be like a...a dominatrix!"

Thrasher felt himself blush, "Um, no, I don't know about that..." He trailed off as he gave the response some thought. Well... What if they'd been hiding from each other all this time? What if he was in love with him too?

He leapt up. "Ok, Clarabelle. I'm going to do this. Let's act this out. You be Scapegrace."

She blinked up at him. "I can't really act. I don't think I'll do him justice. Are we doing role-play?"

"No!" He said hurriedly, "No, I just need to practise what I'm going to do. I mean, how strong is _too _strong?"

"I don' t think you can ever be too strong."

"How did _you_ get your boyfriend to go out with you?"

"My boyfriend? I hallucinated my first boyfriend. But I managed to seduce him by some very impressive tap dancing."

"_I _can tap dance!" He exclaimed. His mother had taught him and even though he'd never, EVER admitted it to anyone else, he really liked it. "So, that's the art of seduction? Tap dancing?"

"Save that for the final piece." She instructed, "You should start by...just talking. He loves to talk about himself, so do that. Praise him."

"I can do that. Yeah. I can do that." He murmured, psyching himself up. "Thanks, Clarabelle!"

"That's ok. Good luck!" She beamed, then added, "I really want to carry on reading now, Thrasher."

"Oh." He said with a nod and feeling his nerves creep in at the idea of what he was going to do. "Right, ok! I'll...tell you how it goes!"

"Please do." She'd already reopened the book and was completely focused on its contents, so he settled for a little wave – which she didn't even acknowledge – and hurried away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Thrasher hesitantly opened the door of their newly 'borrowed' house and scurried inside. They'd stumbled across it after their ice cream van had broken down and Scapegrace had just decided to stay in it, because, as he'd put it "there's more space to get away from _you" _which Thrasher had just taken with an adoring nod.

He was leaning back in a chair, his eyes closed, meditating or something as they couldn't officially 'sleep' now that they were zombies. Thrasher sidled up to him, took a deep breath and tapped him on the shoulder. He growled and impatiently swatted Thrasher's hand away as he opened his eyes.

"Dear God, _what? _What is it?"

"Um." Was all he could say. Damn it! He'd been preparing this all the way home and he couldn't think of a single thing to do! "I, uh...You look really nice."

"Shut up and go away." Came the automatic reply and then a frown, "Wait. What?"

"Yeah," Thrasher continued in a rush, "Nice. You look it." He then fluttered his eyes for good measure.

"Are you...feeling ok, Thrasher?"

"Yes, because I'm with _you." _

Scapegrace was beginning to look more and more alarmed.

"I'm always ok when I'm with you, sir, because you're so..." He faltered, trying to find a suitable word for how Scapegrace made him feel, "...desirable!"

"Ok. Ok, I don't know WHAT is wrong with you, but it's really disturbing and – what are you doing? Get off!"

Thrasher had wrapped his arms around him, only to practically be flung across the room. He realised he was really crap at seduction and momentarily panicked. "Would you like to hit me?"

"You're freaking me out."

Thrasher blinked uncertainly, "You don't like feeling... dominant?"

"Oh my GOD!" Scapegrace yelled, "Thrasher! Get out!"

"I can...tap dance?" he offered weakly, then ducked as Scapegrace threw a shoe at his head. He looked up, his eyes filling with tears, "You really _don't _like me? But Clarabelle said -"

"Clarabelle? _Clarabelle _told you to act like a...man slag?"

Thrasher flinched at the name, managing to shake his head through blurry eyes, "N-No, but –"

"I...What the hell _is _this? Are you c_rying?" _

With a wail, Thrasher ran out of the house and continued to walk until his foot fell off again. He must've misread the signs. Scapegrace obviously detested him. He sniffled, sticking his foot back on with emergency tape and limped away where he could be alone for most likely the rest of his zombie life.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Vaurieeeen!" Clarabelle sang as she waltzed into the house, "I just read a whole book all by myself and decided to come over and talk to my _friends!_"

Scapegrace stood in the hallway, his arms folded with a scowl on his face, "What the hell did you make Thrasher do?"

She frowned as she unbuttoned her coat, which was decorated with pictures of cows, "I don't...Oh! The whole sexy love thing!" She shot him a grin, which he didn't return.

"The _what?"_

"Ooooh." She stared at her shoes which lit up when she walked, biting her lip, "It didn't work?"

"Whatever was meant to happen, no. It didn't. And now he's left and it's all _your _fault!"

"Thrasher's left? But he's sitting out in the garden with a duvet. I just thought he was building a den."

Scapegrace blinked before sighing irritably and walking past her, through the door and out to the front garden. True enough, Thrasher was simply sitting there with a sheet wrapped around him. What an idiot.

"Thrasher. What the hell are you doing?"

"It's so hard to find love," came the pathetic mumble, "when you're a zombie."

Scapegrace resisted the urge to facepalm himself and instead knelt down beside his minion. "So you turned your desperation to me?"

"No," He replied forlornly, "I tried to turn my affections on you."

Oh. Now it made sense. "Your...affections?"

"You must know by now that I like you."

"Yeah, I guess I do. How..._interesting." _Scapegrace looked at him for a moment. He'd never consider him in _that way _before. "So that's why you're so annoying around me."

Thrasher stared at the ground miserably, "I'm that bad?"

Scapegrace frowned. "I didn't mean that to be as harsh as it sounded."

"Do you hate me?"

"What? No. You drive me insane, but I don't hate you."

"Then..." Thrasher looked at him, his brown eyes shining hopefully, "You like me?"

"I..." He faltered, then decided what the hell and leant in to kiss him. And it felt nice. _Very _nice, actually. "Yeah. I suppose I do. Now stop sitting here like a moron and come inside."

Thrasher beamed as Scapegrace hauled him up before turning his head to whisper to a grinning Clarabelle, "Send me the second book _as soon as _possible."

THE END.

**That kind of sucked. Not the best ending ever. But oh well. Please leave a review or send me any suggestions xD **

**-Shego x **


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